FIRST DATES WITH FOREIGN LEADERS: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

This week, U.S. President Barack Obama and Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu met in Washington to discuss a preemptive military strike against Iran’s nuclear program. As a result, it was a busy week for Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, but luckily for me, he was able to make time in his schedule for a moonlit drive in his Chevy convertible to a scenic lookout.

ME: Wow, the stars are really beautiful from up here.

AHMADINEJAD: Aren’t they? I’m glad you like it. This is where I go whenever I need some time to get away from it all and just think, you know?

ME:  I bet you take all your first dates here.

AHMADINEJAD: No way. You’re the first.

ME: Oh, stop it. So, what do you do for fun?

AHMADINEJAD: You know, I guess I’m pretty much like other guys. I like music, going to restaurants, wiping Israel off the map—

ME: What did you just say?

AHMADINEJAD: I like music, going to restaurants, lots of stuff. Anyway, what about you? Is it okay if I scoot a little closer and put my arm around you? There we go, now we’re comfortable.

ME: Actually, I think we’re moving a little fast. I haven’t even gotten to know you yet.

AHMADINEJAD: This is a cute little game you’re playing, hard-to-get, but face the facts: I’m going to get what I want. If you choose to confront me, you might be able to delay me for 3-5 minutes maximum.

ME: Wait a second. Are we talking about what I think we’re talking about?

AHMADINEJAD: We’re talking about exactly what you think we’re talking about: me dropping a nuclear bomb of sex all up inside you.

ME: And my window of opportunity for thwarting your potentially disastrous sexual ambitions is either closed or rapidly closing?

AHMADINEJAD: At this point, I am nearing the point where I’ll be aroused beyond the ability to be contained.

ME: As I see it, I’m now faced with two choices: either strike you in the genitals immediately and enjoy a temporary reprieve only to face a significantly more aggressive arousal in several minutes OR attempt to diplomatically dissuade you from any interest in penetrating me in the first place.

AHMADINEJAD: It gets me so hot when you think logically.

ME: What would you say if I told you I have horrible breath in the morning and believe that the Holocaust happened?

AHMADINEJAD: Charming and inaccurate. Still want to bone you.

ME: I treat homosexuals as equals and I occasionally snore.

AHMADINEJAD: Hilarious and irrelevant. I’m passing half-mast.

ME: The first CD I ever bought was Shania Twain by Shania Twain.

AHMADINEJAD: Get out of this car.

ME: Wait, really?

AHMADINEJAD: GET THE HELL OUT OF THIS CAR RIGHT NOW.

Originally published in Wag's Revue: http://www.wagsrevue.com/thewag/content/first-dates-foreign-leaders-mahmoud-ahmadinejad

FIRST DATES WITH FOREIGN LEADERS: Vladimir Putin

Despite a dedicated opposition movement and accusations of electoral tampering, Russian Prime Minister Vladimir Putin claimed a decisive victory in last week’s presidential election. After taking congratulatory phone calls from several heads-of-state, Vladimir took me on a beachside picnic.

ME: Oh my goodness, look at this spread.

PUTIN: Pretty nice, right? I hope you like borscht. I felt like we needed something cool in case this date starts heating up!

ME: You rascal! I’m not that kind of first date.

PUTIN: We’ll see, we’ll see… anyway, we’ve got some caviar here and some blinis. Try one.

ME: Delicious!

PUTIN: I know, right? Hey, do you want me to take off my shirt and hold a gun?

ME: Um…no.

PUTIN: Sure?

ME: I’m sure. But I do want to get to know you better. So tell me, what’s your background?

PUTIN: Oh, I’m sure you’ve heard this story a million times from every guy you date. Born in Leningrad, served in the KGB in East Berlin, stifled opposition parties and free press, blah, blah, blah… enough about me. What about you? What kind of music do you like?

ME: I like a little bit of everything. Yourself?

PUTIN: Well, of course, I’ve always been passionate about traditional Russian music and trance, but recently I’ve been getting really into smooth jazz.

ME: I have to say, I did not expect that.

PUTIN: I guess I’m just a romantic. I know true love starts with a smooth sax solo.

ME: Are you kidding me? There’s no way anyone thinks that’s romantic.

PUTIN: Are you kidding me? The vast majority of people I’ve dated have thought I’m the most romantic person they’ve ever met.

ME: That’s clearly an exaggeration.

PUTIN: No. That’s a fact. 60% of total dates have thought I’m the most romantic and in some regions, notably the North Caucasus, that percentage was nearly 100%.

ME: Well that just seems highly improbable. Can I talk to some of these dates?

PUTIN:  Most certainly not. Factually, I am romantic and there’s no need for external verification. Now, please acknowledge these facts by swooning.

ME: I’m not just going to swoon because you tell me…oh my god, why are you taking your shirt off and aiming a rifle at me?

PUTIN: There’s no need for you to cry. Just swoon.

ME: I’m swooning, oh god, I’m swooning.

PUTIN: Like I said, everybody thinks I’m romantic.

Originally published in Wag's Revue: http://www.wagsrevue.com/thewag/content/first-dates-foreign-leaders-vladimir-putin

CRAIGSLIST ADS BY FOREIGN LEADERS: Benjamin Netanyahu

Originally published in Wag's Revue: http://www.wagsrevue.com/thewag/content/craigslist-ads-foreign-leaders-benjamin-netanyahu