FIRST DATES WITH FOREIGN LEADERS: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad / by Chris Duffy

This week, U.S. President Barack Obama and Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu met in Washington to discuss a preemptive military strike against Iran’s nuclear program. As a result, it was a busy week for Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, but luckily for me, he was able to make time in his schedule for a moonlit drive in his Chevy convertible to a scenic lookout.

ME: Wow, the stars are really beautiful from up here.

AHMADINEJAD: Aren’t they? I’m glad you like it. This is where I go whenever I need some time to get away from it all and just think, you know?

ME:  I bet you take all your first dates here.

AHMADINEJAD: No way. You’re the first.

ME: Oh, stop it. So, what do you do for fun?

AHMADINEJAD: You know, I guess I’m pretty much like other guys. I like music, going to restaurants, wiping Israel off the map—

ME: What did you just say?

AHMADINEJAD: I like music, going to restaurants, lots of stuff. Anyway, what about you? Is it okay if I scoot a little closer and put my arm around you? There we go, now we’re comfortable.

ME: Actually, I think we’re moving a little fast. I haven’t even gotten to know you yet.

AHMADINEJAD: This is a cute little game you’re playing, hard-to-get, but face the facts: I’m going to get what I want. If you choose to confront me, you might be able to delay me for 3-5 minutes maximum.

ME: Wait a second. Are we talking about what I think we’re talking about?

AHMADINEJAD: We’re talking about exactly what you think we’re talking about: me dropping a nuclear bomb of sex all up inside you.

ME: And my window of opportunity for thwarting your potentially disastrous sexual ambitions is either closed or rapidly closing?

AHMADINEJAD: At this point, I am nearing the point where I’ll be aroused beyond the ability to be contained.

ME: As I see it, I’m now faced with two choices: either strike you in the genitals immediately and enjoy a temporary reprieve only to face a significantly more aggressive arousal in several minutes OR attempt to diplomatically dissuade you from any interest in penetrating me in the first place.

AHMADINEJAD: It gets me so hot when you think logically.

ME: What would you say if I told you I have horrible breath in the morning and believe that the Holocaust happened?

AHMADINEJAD: Charming and inaccurate. Still want to bone you.

ME: I treat homosexuals as equals and I occasionally snore.

AHMADINEJAD: Hilarious and irrelevant. I’m passing half-mast.

ME: The first CD I ever bought was Shania Twain by Shania Twain.

AHMADINEJAD: Get out of this car.

ME: Wait, really?


Originally published in Wag's Revue: